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Things a Man Should Know: About Fatherhood
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Complete List: Here

1. Don't worry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either.

2. No, no--not that Spock!

3. Second thought, maybe you should worry.

4. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are "trying." We really don't need the visual, that's why.

7. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity.

16. Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.

17. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested.

20. Teach by example.

22. Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.

23. The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's foreshadowing.

29. It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter. Especially if she's hot.

30. Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.

31. Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes.

32. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.

34. At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs.

35. Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you. However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great distances.

39. Beware your child's uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches.

41. You are under no obligation to tell children the truth. Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: "Oh, that tree? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course."

43. Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son's does not.

44. Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him.

45. Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet.

47. Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife.

48. No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.

Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach the little bastard some responsibility!

50. Price of a college education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000.

51. If the real response to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom."

53. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls.

54. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.

60. Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well. No, you cannot ask for it back. Furthermore, you cannot steal his.

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