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Did you wait long enough before you married?
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Post Did you wait long enough before you married? 
I know lots of people who married young and later regretted it.
How about you? Did you marry your first love and remain happy? Or did you marry young and then regret all the things you never did before you married? (i.e. travel, career advancement, etc). Or did you wait to marry?

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I waited to marry... quite a while, actually. I was 6 weeks or so away from 40.

I suppose I could have gotten married, if I'd turned a blind eye to some stuff, back when I was about 23 or so, but I'd likely have ended up divorced because she was already cheating at a time when we were talking about getting engaged.

So, I'm glad I waited. I let myself heal for a while after that, and that's good, or I'd have chosen someone who was exactly the same way.

Waiting isn't always the right choice but for me it was.

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I'm 25, and couldn't be less interested in getting married any time soon.

Maybe someday. But I've got a lot of livin' yet to do before I can make that kind of commitment. Because I know when I make it it will mean something. I want that person to be my life partner. I'm just not there yet.

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Post Patience 
You have it right, Dora.

Be who you are, love yourself, and do the things in life that give you joy. Walk in the direction of your dreams. Sometime, you will look up and see someone else walking beside you, who loves you just the way you are, and is walking in the same direction. That is the way it's supposed to be.

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Post Re: Did you wait long enough before you married? 
LadyM wrote:
Or did you marry young and then regret all the things you never did before you married? (i.e. travel, career advancement, etc). Or did you wait to marry?


I don't have much regret, but I have learned a lot from my last marriage. Now I do know that making such a lifetime commitment comes with a lot of risks that I had never thought off. Getting married should be a very careful decision.

I don't think waiting too long is a good idea. If you wait until all the good ones are gone, you won't have many choices left. That could be a bummer.

Q: What do men (women) and park space have in common?
A: All the good ones are taken. The available ones are for handicaps.

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No, I did not wait long enough.

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Post Tough Call 
I don't think you should get married until you know and like yourself very well, and have a strong vision of how you want to live. If you consider yourself incomplete without someone else, that is a problem in itself.

A problem with waiting too long is in the "market" that remains available. If you wait well beyond the time that most people get married, most of the people you meet will be "retreads", in other words, people who have already been heartbroken and disillusioned by somebody else. There will always be the sadness of that previous failure, and you may also wind up having to raise somebody else's kids, which is kinda messy into itself.

If failed romances/marriages can be evenly divided in fault (which probably isn't realistic), then 50% of the divorced people out there that you meet were the *sshole that screwed up their marriage and caused it to fail. The problem is in figuring out which 50% you're meeting, the good guy or the bad guy, and you only get to hear one side of the story.

It's hard to meet people these days. Most socializing seems to revolve around work. Meeting people in bars is a bummer and risky. It's too bad there aren't more places for people to congregate and enjoy activities and each other together in a more casual and positive way, like dances, etc.

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Post Re: Tough Call 
thrice wrote:
I don't think you should get married until you know and like yourself very well, and have a strong vision of how you want to live. If you consider yourself incomplete without someone else, that is a problem in itself.


You never know if you have made the right decision until something do you apart, either death or divorce. Marriage is a crapshoot. I know some unmarried couples choose to stay together but never married. In their opinion, a marriage would definitely end their relationship.

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I'm not sure I agree with the idea that "all the good ones are gone" is a truthful mentality. That's treating people like cars or clothing or something. At the very least, it speaks to a possible mentality that "good ones" is constituted by something surface-y, like looks.

I can tell you that when I was single I met some very attractive women who, once you got to know them, were just not the type of people *I* would ever feel comfortable or secure being married to. They had looks but terrible character qualities, for example. As we age, we value different things because we gain wisdom over what really makes a person someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. We tend to grow past the surface-y stuff and make better choices.

I'm sure the same is true for women; that some of the guys who are the "best looking" can turn out to be the biggest jerks.

Also, calling someone who's been heartbroken a "retread" is similarly dehumanizing. I've known some folks who entered second marriages for better reasons than when they were younger and less mature, and turned out to have great, lasting marriages - provided they took time to heal and learn from their first marriages.

I think the key is, whether you get married at 20, 30, or 40, holding out for someone who doesn't just look good or seem good, but over time proves themselves to actually BE good. Looks fade with age and time; but a spouse you can trust, you'll always be able to trust, whereas a spouse who's abusive or a cheater will never be trustworthy - but it'll be more apparent if you don't rush into anything.

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Post Retreads 
Craig-
I feel comfortable using the term, as insensitive as it may sound, because I are one. My experience was different from yours, but is a common one. Once I got above 25, most of my peers were either married, or had been married, ground up and spit out of it. Most of the women I met that were available to date were divorced, and many had kids. This only got more common as I got older. It is much more common in small towns, where I was living at that time, where career women and the choice to delay marriage and childbirth are much less frequent. My brother, who is a good looking, intelligent, never-wed 40 year old, has had extreme difficulty meeting eligible women.

I was careful not to use the term "good ones", because I do object to that value judgement and its unfairness. I would also distance myself from appearances criteria, because that indeed is a superficial attraction. I think that you will agree that people who have been married and are no longer do have baggage from that experience, and that can make future relationships very complex. Doubly so when there are children and an ex spouse in the picture, which leaves a new relationship with one foot in the past and one in the future. I've lived that one too, and it has profound complications that two people marrying with clean slates don't have to deal with.

All in all I agree with your position- to take time and do it right the first time. I agree completely that a second marriage can be a wonderful and lasting thing. It's just unfortunate that we sometimes have to go through the painful lessons and lasting consequences of a bad one in order to appreciate the benefits of a good one. Those are very expensive and sad lessons.

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