Now I am sure EVEN krill have something to preoccupy themselves with while waiting around to be sucked through the gullet of the oceanic equivalent to an Airbus 380. They probably have tiny little krill iPods, krill HDTVs with shows like 'Pacific Idol', little gay krill that want to get married....and of course the bible beating krill that would swim out to protest it, little krill NBA players that would occasionally kill or rape other krill....but get away with it because it's just so darned entertaining to see them jump, and I bet they even have heated debates over whether they are going to allow that damned 'plankton population' enter their waters without documentation. Hey, it IS nature afterall....Darwin....circle of life....I get it. We all have our place. But you know what? Even the "Bill Gates" of krill world, is STILL A F'ING SHRIMP!!!
WTF, people? Have you seen the CEO salary ratios lately? As of 2005 the ratio of a CEOs salary to the average salary of their workers is now 262 to 1 (notice they quit doing the CEO to the lowest paid employee years ago-it got too ridiculous). That means that on average, a lowly minion like myself works 262 days to earn what a CEO earns in ONE DAY. Give that a minute to sink in....ONE F'IN DAY. How is anyone 262 TIMES more valuable than someone else? I guess that means that if I buy a share of stock in a company, it should appreciate 262 times in the span of a year, right? Oh, and heres the coup de gras, it turns out that it doesnt even matter if they succeed or not. It is a lottery ticket and it pays out whether you get out of bed in the morning or not. You what that crap is? Thats Drug-Lord-Mafia-Godfather crap right there. When you dont even have to WORK and people just bring you piles of cash and kiss your ass in the process, now thats true hardcore gangsta. Point and case: Ken Lay just died of a heart attack (although I would check the coffin to see if its empty and make sure the neighborhood children dont have any bite marks on their neck) and the media is still sugar coating the anal raping he gave America. Whether you are a fan of anal sex or not, you have to admit what Ken Lay did to his employees made "Backdoor Amateurs Gone Wild: NO Lube; Volume 7" look like the dry humping that I occasionally catch on Cinemax. Still don't believe Ken Lay (KiLo to his possee) is straight up ghetto? Well, I was watching CNN the other day and I'm pretty sure I saw Dick Cheney take a pull from a bottle of "Colt 45" and then pour the rest over Ken Lay's grave muttering something about "one for his homey" (in case you forgot....Dick used to be the CEO of another little company, Halliburton....who was caught improperly recording revenue from cost overruns on big construction jobs....good thing the government isn't dealing with those guys....what?!? you have got to be kidding me....OH COME ON!!!).
Another point of interest.....Halliburton donated a whopping $9K to political party A and over $71K to political party B--Ill let you guess which one is which.
And I guess that's what I'm getting at. Sure, companies are going to keep throwing ridonkulous amounts of money at people that would otherwise be asking you "what is it going to take for me to put you behind the wheel of this 8-cylinder beauty today?". And they are probably even going to keep giving them perks like their own fluffer, or $900K in driving lessons (in fairness, I think that guy was from China), cars, houses, planes, 12 year old boys from Thailand, or whatever else they ask for (ok the first one and the last one are speculative on my part).
However, when companies start appointing their CEOs to other positions like, say...oh I dont know....VP OF THE USA--I would say the electoral process has a severe flaw. And here is why: if you had to send someone to another planet to represent who Americans are....would you send a BILLIONAIRE? Probably not. If we did, we would all be overrun with aliens looking for jobs as CEOs. Who is going to explain to "Gorzak of Nebulon 6" that not EVERY human has another human devoted solely to gently washing their balls every 20 minutes. What? Im talking about golf....everybody knows CEOs play a lot of golf.
And dont give me that self-righteous bullcrap about "well, if youre not going to help solve the problem....get involved".... Settle down, George Clooney....I have got a plan. Two words for you.....or is it one word....either way, here it is: Cage-match.
Problem: How long does it take to elect a president, what like 2 years? I dont need 24 months to decide which ass-for-brains politician I can live with for the next 4 years.
Solution: Cage-match is over in one televised hour of power.
Problem: Billions of dollars spent in campaigns???
Solution: Cage-match actually MAKES the government hundreds of millions in advertising and results in lowering my taxes.
Problem: People spend the next four years complaining how their guy got screwed or we need to recount the recount which is the political equivilent to "na-na-na-na-boo-boo".
Solution: You dont need to do a recount when "Barak-The-Atomic-Obama" takes a folding metal chair to the face of "Hillary-The-Ball-Vise-Clinton". And nobody is going to complain about unfair politics when "Admiral John Q. McCain" (theres always 1 military themed patriot in every cast isnt there?) forces a submission tap-out from "Howling-Mad Zel Miller" with a wicked painful arm-bar.
I could go on and on, but clearly my plan is superior to the current system in nearly every way. So, get ready America.....its coming.....when you hear a tuxedoed Michael Buffer give his trademarked "llllets get rrrrrrrrrreeeeeaaaaady to ruuuuuuuuummble" you will know its an election year. You can thank me later.
